Day 254: 10 Things That Make Me Happy

Dear Dayre,

I don't mean to be annoying with all the "ten things" stuff, but since dear Roseanne tagged me on Instagram to list down 10 things that make me happy, I thought that Dayre would be a better platform.. I can type more here without feeling guilty for having too much text if it were Instagram!So today's entry is gonna be..

“10 things that make me happy! ”

If you are my real life friend, or you know one of my friends, I think generally people will tell you that I'm a very laid-back and happy person! I don't really get sad or very angry or emotionally down. I guess part of it has to do with my childhood and the way I grew up. Not to sound like I was a pathetic little thing, but I really did get teased a lot when I was younger. For my 大小眼, for being a 胖妹, and for talking like Daffy Duck. Of course I did feel upset at times, but most of the time, I just shrugged it off or laughed it off the best I could. Maybe I just always had an overwhelming amount of confidence! I always told myself that it didn't matter what people who didn't love me thought of me, cos they are not the ones that matter to me.So even until now, if I get negative remarks or comments or haters, I really just find it very amusing and I laugh it off without feeling offended at all. 

But this post is about what makes me happy! And happiness is something I value very much. I honestly seriously think that the pursuit of happiness is the most important thing that anyone could do in a lifetime! Human beings are actually very transient creatures. The earth and the rest of the universe have been around for billions of years, but we only live a short life-span of at best 80-100 years. That practically makes us as minute as a tiny little ant in our huge huge universe.When you start realizing that you're actually but a very unimportant and tiny speck of dust in the universe, you might then ask yourself, so what is living all about? Is it about the fast cars, the money, the branded bags or some kind of status that makes you more admirable or a cut above the rest?

I guess at the end of the day, what everyone really wants is to feel like more than a speck of dust, be recognized and have our self-worth validated. We want to feel like a success and not a failure. But if you come to terms with the fact that our time on earth is really extremely short and transient, it makes more sense to focus on what's important. And that's living a happy and fulfilling life day in and day out. 

I have to admit that I get side-tracked too. Sometimes I let silly things bother me. And the worst is when you start playing the comparison game and you know you're never gonna come out on top cos there's always gonna be someone better.

So at the end of the day... Stop comparing and stop chasing ideals. Stop letting society dictate what you do and do something for yourself.Do what genuinely MAKES YOU HAPPY! (Within limits of course. If you're an axe murderer and killing innocent people makes you happy, then you obviously have a problem somewhere.)So yes, happiness is very very important to me and I try to be happy all the time. It's as simple as that.

The best way to start with happiness is always to give thanks and remember the little things that make you happy. Here's the ten things that make me happy!

“1. Music/singing makes me happy! ”

Maybe it's ironic that I love to sing sad sad songs, hahaha. But I just feel that the depth of human emotions can only be fully expressed in music and I enjoy immersing myself in the music and being able to touch a chord in the hearts of listeners. Probably in the bigger picture, it means that being able to connect to souls out there makes me happy as well, cos that's what my blog and social media platforms are about?

“2. Travelling and discovering the world makes me happy ”

I'm not sure what's the magic in travelling and seeing the world. But it gives me SO much wonder and so much joy to step onto foreign soil and to view the world with eyes like that of a newborn. Every sight is new and every sound is interesting.

Seeing how big and beautiful the world is also makes me realise just how TINY I am. I am indeed just a speck of dust. And that makes me appreciate all that I have even more which makes me happy!

“3. Spending time with my loved ones make me happy ”

When you find kindred souls who are able to make you feel so at ease that you don't have to worry about being judged or mocked at or teased or exploited, you can then truly set your guard down and really wholeheartedly love and enjoy each other's company.

Humans can never be lone islands, and I am ever so grateful for the kind of happiness my friends bring to me. Support, encouragement, advice, chiding, I know they really care and they're my solid rocks through the good times and bad. 

“4. Doing what I love makes me happy! ”

New arrivals on www.thevelvetdolls.sg!

And right now, doing what I love gives me a huge sense of satisfaction and happiness. Starting up TVD, working and growing the brand over the years, painstakingly manufacturing and curating in designs, coming out with beautiful products and seeing them on sale on TVD, spotting customers wear TVD clothes makes me SUPER happy and proud.

Every time an item gets sold out and back ordered and every item that gets raves and compliments makes me real happy!


“5. My man makes me happy! ”

YZ really changed me a lot. Despite all I said about how I laughed off negative comments and snide remarks as a kid, I did still have a secret fear inside of me: that I'd never be good enough for anyone.I think this has to do with how I never received any words of affirmation or praise from my parents as a child. Third place in class? Well then, why weren't you first in class instead? 95/100 marks? You should be aiming for full marks, really.

My parents are awesome people, but I've come never to expect any positive reinforcement from them, and that fear of rejection and of never ever being good enough crept into me even as a young adult.I was really afraid of getting into a relationship because I was fearful of letting my guard down and allowing someone into the innermost crevices of my heart. But he loves me wholeheartedly and makes me believe that I am a person worthy of being loved, and he makes me happy in the simplest ways.

“6. Yummy food makes me happy! ”

I love to eat so much it isn't even funny. Food makes my tummy really happy and satisfied, especially when I'm sharing a meal with people I love! Though I don't love the getting fat part, so at the end of the day I have to balance out the two and try to keep things somewhat neutral. I still wanna enjoy my food but I'll be a bit more careful about my portions and try to go easy on the bad food. Overall though, I find it too hard to resist yummy good food. Happiness comes from a content belly!

“7. When you leave a comment or send me an email, it makes me happy too! ”

There's a joy in knowing that something I wrote and shared was of value to someone else who read it.. I guess it makes me feel happy that what I share resonates with another person who might have been in need of a different perspective or even felt inspired or motivated by my sharing. That's the incredible power of the WWW and social media. It makes me feel like I'm not alone and knowing that you touched someone else's heart or mind is a very humbling experience.

“8. Sometimes, just having an off day or time to do absolutely nothing makes me happy!”

Being self-employed means I run around doing stuff 24/7 and having a weekly launch schedule on TVD means I almost perpetually have something to do all the damn time. I don't know how some people can keep their engine on 24/7 and work non-stop, but I love having days when I can just put everything aside and do absolutely nothing!

Usually that entails chilling at home and reading a good book while rolling around in bed. You know what they say, time you enjoy wasting is never time wasted. 

“9. Seeing my three adorable pooches make me really happy! ”

Ok, I just realized that I'm a very repetitive person cos a couple of my "happy" points came up in my "about me" entry too?! But it's all related since it's all about myself.

Seeing my dogs run up to me excitedly whenever I get home makes me feel happy! I have to admit I'm more of a dog person than baby person (why do those two always get put together?) at the moment. Probably since I've yet to experience the greatness of motherhood.

My favourite saying used to be "When the whole world has turned its back on me, I still have my pet dog."

“10. Creating beautiful things make me happy! ”

Beautiful things make me happy, in general. I love beauty in any form, be it a stunning sunset, a beautiful face, a wonderfully done artwork.

So this also branches out into me loving makeup/beauty, enjoying the creation of and listening to beautiful music that stirs emotions in me, loving photography and taking beautiful photos, even manufacturing pretty designs for TVD. Everything boils down to my love for beauty!


...And that's all!Took me so long to think of ten things that make me happy. HAHAHA. But I'm satisfied with my ten happy things! They're truly some of the most important things that bring me happiness.What are your ten happy things?

xoxo

Look for me on my other social media platforms here:

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Day 251: Editor's Pick! // 10 Things About Me

Dear Dayre,

“I'M EDITOR'S PICK! ”

On "being the girlfriend that we'd love to have"... Reaaaally?  Not at all lah! And although I'm sure YZ is very in love with me, he actually really hates how busy I am and how little time I have for him some times. So now that I have some new followers who don't really know who I am.. Hello! *waves* If you're wondering why my friends call me "Tuna Goh", it's really quite a stupid reason hahaha. 

Since we're at it, let me do a "20 facts about myself" and see what I can come up with!

“1. Yina is my real name (on my birth certificate) and it's not my mandarin name but my English name.”

My sisters are called Gina and Lina and for some reason I got stuck with the most unique one "Yina" which doesn't mean anything and it is a made up name. But I love my name and identify with it so much because it's fairly unique and I have a huge sense of belonging to my name. The reason why my friends like to call me Tuna Goh is because iPhone sometimes likes to autocorrect my name sometimes so when you type "Yina" it autocorrects to Tuna instead..  Now you know why.

“2. I was born with congenital ptosis and had an operation on my eye when I was 8.”

How I looked like as a kid (and got teased terribly for)

Years before plastic surgery even became popular, I got cosmetic surgery done on my eye due to a birth condition: I was born 2 months pre-mature and spent my first month in the hospital. It affected me a lot when I was a kid because of the stares and rude/hurting remarks I would get. I would cover my eye and look in the mirror feeling sad for myself. 

But I'm healthy and happy now!

“3. I used to be a professional illustrator/comic colorist.”

I worked as a comic colorist/painter for about two years at Imaginary Friends Studio and did a lot of coloring work for American comic companies like Top Cow, DC Comics and Penny Arcade. I also illustrated game cards for WoW (World of Warcraft and Warhammer 40k.

My avatar (the one you see on top of this page) is illustrated by me as well. I spent a huge part of my teenagerhood online on art forums and honing my drawing skills, which is also when I met @evonnz online 10 years ago! Keke

“4. I speak with a lisp.”

A lisp, also known as sigmatism, is a speech impediment in which a person cannot articulate sibilants ([s], [z], [ʒ], [ʃ], [tʃ], [dʒ]). These misarticulations often result in unclear speech.

I hate hearing myself on tape cos I think it sounds retarded. And my classmate once sneered at me and called me "Daffy Duck" and imitated my speech.  It got better as I grew older I think! And now it's less obvious but I still try to avoid pronouncing "s" when I speak. Especially when I meet new people.

“5. But I love to sing! ”

I occasionally do pop music gigs, and I'm a singer with the SYC Ensemble Singers (a semi-professional non-profit choir made up from passionate singers) & have been singing in SYC for 7 years and counting. I love all kinds of music and my entire family likes to sing! From my mother who was belting out A-Mei to me since I was a toddler to my two sisters who also enjoy singing.

I take classical voice lessons every Thursday & teach pop vocals before heading to choir rehearsals every Saturday. 

“6. Apart from music, I love animals! ”

When I was younger, my first ambition was to be a vet. But then I realised how much I needed to study and also I might need to cut up poor little animals and I decided to switch from being a vet to a zoo keeper. (Lol, so much for my lofty ambitions) 

I've owned countless pets from hamsters to rabbits to sugar gliders to dogs and my reward for getting a good PSLE score was a pair of hamsters in a luxurious 3-storey tall enclosure. 

I now have three adorable dogs and an entire aquarium at home!

“7. I am a bookworm ”

I loooove reading anything, from the back of cereal boxes to Wikipedia. I'm not picky about what I read usually, but I like fiction a lot and I enjoy fantasy genres! Usually the longer the book the happier I am because it gives me greater joy and a longer time to enjoy the world of the author and his characters. 

Harry Potter is a frequent re-read, and I read lots of random authors from Murakami to David Eddings. I like brainless chick lit too like Sophie Kinsella! Not fussy at all.

“8. I've been battling with weight loss since I was an overweight kid ”

That's me, the pink whale on the right. And although I successfully managed to lose about 10kg when I was 20 years old through prescription pills and a crazy diet/exercise routine, I find it extremely hard to keep myself slim and healthy. I LOVE to eat. Especially carbs, junk food and all things sinful.

My weight has been yoyo-ing back and forth in the 50s range and I really want to lose 5kg in time for my wedding. Currently I'm going for regular TCM sessions at Slim Couture to help with slimming.

“8. I'm getting married on January 1st 2015!”

To my partner of seven years, YZ. He's my first boyfriend and my first relationship was when I was 20. Super late bloomer hahaha. It's less than four months away to our wedding day and I'm starting to feel the stress... I'm not a bride-zilla and I'm not very fussed about the wedding but there's SO many things to do it's kind of overwhelming right now.

“9. I have bitchy resting face but I'm actually quite friendly really ”

Some people tell me that I look really fierce when they see me on the streets and all that but really I just have a very fierce looking face when I don't smile and I'm quite friendly actually! So if you ever see me at events or like on the streets or what.. Can say hi to me la I will say hi back! 

OKAY.... I give up.

I must be so uninteresting that I can only find ten things to say about myself, so let me present you with one last "about me" fact..

“10. My greatest ambition is to be 张惠妹's (A-Mei's) back-up vocalist!”

I know it sounds totally ridiculous.. But I would love love love to be Amei's back up vocalist hehehehe. I love her personality and her voice and her songs! I would much rather be her back up vocalist than be an artiste myself. Not that I'm even at that level teehee but that's why it's a dream right?

There you go! Now you know ten more things about me and I hope you'll enjoy more of my sharing along the way! 

xoxo

Day 134: TheVelvetDolls website is finally up!

Dear Dayre,

I'm back!!! After a superbly long and busy, but also productive and fulfilling day of work! And most exciting of all, TVD website is up and running again! Omg x 1000!

I couldn't contain my excitement when the domain re-direction was complete and the website was officially open to public! Didn't realise the re-direction was complete til my phone started beeping with order notifications.. OMG? Ran to my minion and said.. WE JUST GOT OUR FIRST ORDER! Lololol.

Did a quick check on my laptop, then went around to Lilypirates office squealing to them..

“OMG TVD WEBSITE IS UPPP!!!”

Yessss I was that estatic! And even more nervous and bursting with excitement when the orders started coming in!

After not launching for a couple of months, I wasn't sure what to expect.. What if all my customers ran away and decided not to come back already, after all the reports about poor customer service? Or what if the website majorly screwed up again?

Thank goodness, everything went smoothly and there were no major hiccups! Just a few isolated cases here and there. We'll find out for sure if there are any issues with the new platform once we really get into the swing of work.. I hope all will be fine!

The minions and I worked hard today and got a lot of work accomplished!! Did some stocking-in for Kissjane racks, as well as had a photoshoot session to get ready for the rest of this month's collections. Wheeeee!!!

Can you tell how happy I am to be back at work??! I just feel so super amped up and positive! SOSOSOSO happy. Hehehe. It's very rare for me to be so overexcited btw. But I've waited too long for this! And so have many of you I know TT_TT

I didn't have the help of Nic from TFT Studio today but thankfully shoot went great, and I was so excited (see, this word again! Seriously today I have been too excited the entire day) that I set to work to editing some of the images straight away! I can't wait to launch our next collection already!!! Am admiring the photos non-stop and sending them to all my friends to admire as well.. Would upload them all on TVD Facebook already if I could!

My favourite image of our gorgeous model from today's shoot! We both agreed that this is the tai-tai look hahaha but very chio lah! This dress is damn love! 

 Thank you as always to the LP girls who kindly loaned out their studio, Arcade for the lights and clothing, Simin who set up the lights for me and Yingdan for the Gongcha! 

 Worked in office til 9pm just editing images and stuff, before dinner with Reenie, Min, Simin, Mega and Widya.. After which my boy came to pick me up and send me home! I missed his calls three times cos I was so engrossed in conversation with the girls until he called Min to get me But he didn't fuss or grumble about me missing his calls So much love from everyone.

What a fruitful and happy day! I'M REALLY OVERJOYED TODAY.

Right now it's almost 2am but I'm still on the computer trying to figure out some stuff to facilitate backend matters and tweaking/adding more functions to the website.. So that tmr's packing/mailing can be done as efficiently as possible!

Gonna wrap up what I'm doing and call it a night real soon! There's still so many things to be done but I need to get my sleep!

So.. Why don't you guys head on over to www.TheVelvetDolls.sg to do some shopping on our new website! :D :D :D

晚安咯!

[www.dayre.com/yinagoh]

Day 23/24: I am a cow/The green-eyed monster

Day 23 : I am a cow

   

Dear Dayre,

I had a damn long day today cos I was up at like.. 6am? Couldn't get back to sleep so I figured I'd just wake up and get some work done before event at 9.15am!

The event was at Keppel Bay, which is like damn far away and inaccessible, especially during peak hour in the morning wtf. Thank God I had YZ to drive me over if not I don't know what if have done!!

Had the company of two pretty girls @melissackoh and @mongabong at the event yay! Went for brunch together at Prive just downstairs before Mel gave me a lift back home so that I could grab my stuff before running outta the house again for my voice lesson.

We made use of the super nice scenery to take OOTDs and all three of us took our pictures at the same spot hahahaa. Anyways, just launched this dress on #thevelvetdolls!! Super festive, perfect for CNY

It was cold today so I pulled on a scarf and luckily I did cos it remained so chilly and windy throughout the entire day!

After voice lesson, I went back to Alexandra area around because of a briefing/training for this Saturday's ELLE Spectre Tea with HP Event! Gonna be giving tips and guiding y'all on how to use Lightroom to do color editing and batch processing etc, so it's gonna be fun I think!! @evonnz, @beatricesays and @withlovetricia are gonna be there too!

Our session ended at 6 ish and I headed to dinner with Evonne and Tricia at Holland V.

Ended my day with churros from Churrosity: they were not too bad!

I've been feeling abit under the weather lately.

I think it's partially cos of PMS (though my period is not supposed to be here for another two weeks but my boobs are HUGE and feel sore: TMI for the guys sorry!)

And also my appetite has been humongous and ever since YZ and I broke our 5-day fast I've been eating like nobody's business and feeling terribly lousy about it.

Also possibly cos of stress over work during this CNY period and various other factors.

I just don't feel good about myself. I feel disgusted with how fat I am, and how ugly I look. Put on a lot of makeup also feel like shit.

YZ keeps on assuring me that I look just fine, but I hate hate hate how I'm feeling about myself right now

Been feeling so unhappy with little things like when I went to do my eyelash extensions and nails especially for CNY I feel so sucky even though they were both well-done.

Like for instance I asked for blue and pink lash extensions at the end of my eyes like how I tried before previously and I thought they were super nice the last time I did them? But this time I just feel really meh about it.

And I spent so long deciding on my nail art during my nail session and the outcome is really very pretty but I ended up sort of regretting not doing the other design I had in mind..

Seriously don't know why I'm so affected!

Yesterday I went for fitting at G2000 for Saturday's event with Tricia, and I felt really shitty about myself too. This Tricia is so freaking tiny that G2000's smallest size was loose on her?!

I had a hard time picking my clothes too, obviously not cos I was too tiny for them (Ha ha I wish) but cos I felt that I didn't look nice in them at all. I felt so ugly and fat in all the clothes I tried on

In the end I picked three items after much deliberation, one blazer, one knit sweater and one long sleeved blouse, cos at least they can hide my fats.

I feel so stressed because I'm not skinny and pretty. And I feel like a disgusting and fat piece of lard

On a funny note, mummy made me look through some unwanted stuff for spring cleaning when I got home and I found these photos that I stashed away many years ago cos I couldn't bear to see how fat I looked back then.

Thankful that I look slightly better now, but I'm feeling the exact same way right now, full of self-loathing and disgust for myself and how I look. Tried to take so many shots for ootd today but I looked like a cow. I hate it.

Somemore I'm going to get married in less than a year's time. Was complaining to YZ that the men don't have it so bad cos all they have to show are their faces. Whilst for us girls we can't hide anything in a wedding gown except maybe chunky thighs or something.

Doesn't help that I'm always surrounded by skinny and pretty girls. My life sucks.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this feeling sucks :(

Sorry you had to read my superficial rant.

Just one of those days.

I know I need to stop whining, and just friggin do something about it! Grrrrrr.

❤❤❤

Day 24 : The green-eyed monster

Dear Dayre,

I woke up before six am (again?!) and couldn't get to sleep, so here I am, "cheating" by turning my phone clock back to Friday so I can update on the "right" day..

Posted this on Instagram with a nice quote and caption:

Because all my friends are very cute.

Everyone was very concerned after reading my emo Dayre post yesterday and some texted me to make me feel better, and when I stepped into my supplier's just now to pass them cakes I got for them from Audacious, my girlfriends all came to hug me and comfort me!

Like cell group like that Awww!!

But I can feel their sincerity and love one.

“People who are attracted to you because of your pretty face and nice body won't be by your side forever. But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.”

So about the quote: you know I hardly do all these *insert quote and act wise* kind of stuff but I totally feel this quote!!

Next time I feel sucky about myself, I'll just have to remind myself again that I'm beautiful on the inside (this sounds damn corny but ok) AND also outside. Beauty is in imperfection yah! *自我安慰*

And all my friends are like "You just need to stop hanging out with bloggers all the time. Hang out with us more." LOL I'm sorry but this holds some truth to it.

My really close blogger friends aside, (I mean, not that I'm not envious of them at times, but I'm really comfortable with them and I know they don't judge me and I don't have to act perfect in front of them) sometimes when you see how perfect and amazing all these people are portraying themselves on Instagram and blogs and social media and what not, it's really difficult not to start looking at your self and your life, and making unfair comparisons against all these "perfect" beings out there.

It's also known as "Insta-envy", and this can be really, really toxic.

I love social media to pieces, and I adore sharing on social media, but it's the truth; everyone will always showcase the best part of themselves and their lives for public appreciation, cos that's how things work.

Eat pretty cake, post on Instagram. Take pretty photo, post on Instagram. Aiya you know what I mean. And I'm like that too!

Just remind yourself once awhile that no one is perfect. Everyone's life looks better on social media.

Like YZ and I are perfect couple 101 in this shot. But noooo, we also argue and quarrel sometimes, I always fart in his presence and he always needs reminders from me to trim his nostril hair.

What you see is NOT what you get.

A super chio effortless OOTD probably took 1000 shots (like what @tippytap always says haha). A tableful of beauty products sent to my doorstep looks gorgeous, but you dunno man, doing beauty reviews can be a bitch! Put on makeup just to take photo and write review, then wash off.

Face look super flawless on instagram, but you know it's all 美图秀秀 and 1000 different photo filters and apps.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Like for instance I really want to sleep now cos I need to teach at 12 and after that I have event in the afternoon and dinner party at night and I need more sleep but I'm here waxing lyrical on Dayre...

All I want to say is!

My friends are right! I need to stop comparing myself with others out there and instead GET A LIFE, spending real quality time with friends I love, being happy doing what I enjoy and focusing on what really matters!

Technology was invented to connect people. Let's stop comparing and start connecting.

❤❤❤

Day 331 : My life story and my hamartia

[This is an extract from today's Dayre.]

[I've got to say that penning my thoughts down became a lot easier when they are bite-sized pieces on Dayre! Pardon the incoherency, but I guess that's what makes a personal blog a blog, and not a magazine article, or novel, or any expensive piece of literature out there. My apologies for the poor image quality too.] 

Dear Dayre,

Just one of those days when I'm up and showered and breakfasted but don't feel like getting down to work! ;__; You know, I've always had a huge huge problem. My problem is that I've been diagnosed with chronic laziness since young -_-

At the end of every 6 months in school, you always get back a report card with your grades and also Remarks from your presiding form teacher. 

I don't mean to brag, but I was a pretty intelligent kid. 

Back in our primary school days, you didn't need to study much to score good grades, you just needed to be somewhat a fast learner with a bit of common sense.

(I hear it ain't so easy nowadays, so Thank God we had it better back in our times!)

Back in Primary 2, life was easy.

I barely studied and did the minimum amount of homework, but continually scored As and got amongst the top few places in class.

But,
As I grew older and still remained complacent about studying, my peers started catching up, or I started falling behind.

And by Primary 6, all my teachers only had one thing to say about me:

Hey, I was still scoring pretty good grades and I was in the top performing class!

My teachers knew better though. They knew I couldn't be bothered to work hard, I had a terrible attitude towards studying and I was just. Plain. Lazy.

My friends like to call me "Ti Gong Kia" (which means blessed by the gods) and I have to somewhat agree.

I still managed to scrape through the PSLE and landed myself a place in a pretty decent school, with options to take a third language and higher mother tongue.

However,

There comes a time when just being slightly more intelligent than the average kid doesn't cut it anymore. So in Secondary School, it became a downhill journey into the pits.

This led to my most absymally poor grades in Secondary 3, when I failed three subjects, made it to the honorable ranking of last in class, and wow, 37 marks out of 100 for Add Maths!

(Of course, being the bookworm who would rather pore over novels and books than do homework, my English, Literature and History Grades were still above average. Anything that didn't require studying or working hard was easy for me.)

My poor parents didn't know what to do with me.

It was a melodramatic day when we came home from the teacher-parents meet session.

Lots of crying, shouting, and my beloved guitar and mobile phone eventually got flung into smithereens by angry Daddy Goh, the 无辜受害者 (innocent bystanders) of my many failures.

As I grew into adulthood, I came to have another self-realization amidst my battered and scarred growing up.

Yes I am lazy.

But I also am incredibly single-minded when it comes to doing things I love.

I can never conform to societal norms.

I can never force myself to do what I don't love.

It got to a point when I had abit of a crisis.

For those who don't know what they want to do in life, they just study very hard right?

They do their best to get good grades, and to advance their studies. At least that's what your parents tell you to do. The more qualifications you have, the more you can do with your life.

You can be a doctor! Or a lawyer! Maybe even a lecturer! Or you can work for the government, it's a stable job with high bonuses! (God forbid)

If there's one thing I envy, it is those who know exactly what they want in life, and how to get it.

I knew what I didn't want to do: Study.

And I ended up as... An illustrator.

I do have one very awesome quality though.

If I set my mind to doing something, you can be sure I'd put my efforts into making it something pretty darned good.

And if I do say so myself, in my short-spanned career as an illustrator/artist, I earned a lot of respect from my peers, managed to get into the most prestigious art studio in Singapore, and worked with international names that would be any digital artist's dream.

But there are feelings you can't hide from yourself, and nagging self-doubt at the back of my head.

I knew it then, maybe I knew it from the start.

No creativity. Not enough talent. They whispered into my ear. And most vicious of all,

“You are not working hard enough to deserve any success.”

There it came again. My hamartia. My one fatal flaw.

Laziness.

I quit the digital art industry at 21 years old.

How scary was it?

No qualifications. No papers. No money. No f**king anything.

No f**king idea what I could do with the rest of my life (I still don't have any idea now)

Lost-er than a lost sheep.

(Oh my God. I don't know why this is turning into such a long and pointless entry. I'm so sorry.)

I'm going to stop here for abit to recollect my thoughts. And also give you a chance to quit reading this entry because it is a lot of mental diarrhea and quite possibly no one even wants to read my rubbish.


If you'd like me to carry on.. Just leave me a comment, okay? If not, I think this is ten thousand words too many for a Dayre entry ^^; ^^; ^^;

***

Carrying on,

I used to attend church in my teenage years. It has been some time though, since I've stepped into a church. I still believe in God.
But somehow, maybe I'm not looking in the right places for Him.

Now, I find God in music and singing.

Back to attending church. My church was one of those huge charismatic churches (I'd leave you to guess which one but you'd probably hit the nail on the head) which had huge raring services, with hardcore worship sessions and altar calls.

Once upon an altar call, I made my way down the aisle, right to the front of the stage. God was calling for his lost sheep, they proclaimed. And God would heal every hurt and every sorrow in your heart.

I had a leader pray for me, and he/she (I can't remember anymore) said..

“I can feel something that's knotted & hard in your heart. You need to let it go. ”

At the same time that I was feeling like a huge impostor in the house of God, (an emotionally detached part of me was looking down coldly upon the scene and asking me, what the he** are you doing here? So blasphemous), another part of me started breaking down. And I cried and I cried.

Because all I could feel was my fear, fear of being a failure, fear of rejection, fear of never being good enough for anyone. Never loved enough. Nothing I ever did was good enough.

I left the church eventually, because to be honest, I just couldn't feel God. And again, I wondered if it was for lack of trying. Was it because I didn't pray every night? Or I didn't read the Bible like a good Christian should? Again, was I just too lazy?

I hate to say this, but I felt judged and uncomfortable amongst my Christian church friends. Until today, I only keep in contact with that one friend from my church days.

I still thank God for all the blessings He has given me, though.

When I was 20, I met a boy, and fell in love. Actually, he fell in love with me first.

He told me that I was good enough, I was amazing, and I was worthy.

Honestly, I think YZ changed me in more ways than I would have thought possible.

I was so afraid to love another human being, because deep down, I thought that I would end up being hurt. I didn't feel that I was worthy of another person's love, this flawed person that I was/am.

The first few times he held my hand, it sounds silly to say it: I didn't even dare to HOLD his hand properly, I just sort of let him do all the holding. Lolol. Like my hand was a limp piece of meat like that ^^;

Eventually, YZ finally gave me enough courage to put myself out there, to open my heart to love properly and wholly. He soothed my fear of rejection with a whole lot of love.

I'm still a lil awkward with expressing my love for my family and friends, but trust me, it's much better now!

If there's one thing I realize, it is that humans fear the unknown.

We are always more comfortable in our sheltered little safety zone, than to put ourselves out in the big and scary unknown.

But at the end of the day, it is true that we are nothing more than minuscule human beings in a huge universe, and our time on earth is short and fleeting. (Whether there is an afterlife or not, that is open for discussion but has no bearing for now)

And through my struggles to seek self-worth and to love, to face my fears of existentialism and failure, one thing has put itself across to me, huge and bold.

“Seek happiness in the form of simplicity and love. Because life is short.”

Cast aside fear and doubt.

Believe in yourself, that you are a person who is a blessing and not a failure.

It is not wrong to have weaknesses and flaws. Understand yourself better, and work with the best parts of yourself.

Ultimately, live every single day happy, because an unhappy life is a life not worth living.

Do what makes you happy: as long as you can sleep easy on your conscience every night.

I believe that is a life worth living.

Dear reader,

If you've read thus far (and that is REALLY REALLY far) from the start of this entry to here,

I just wanted to share.

I am STILL lazy. (Hehehe.) But I just don't beat myself up about it. I find that I work best doing what I enjoy doing, and that has somehow miraculously guided me to life as it is now.

I'm NOT a failure. I just enjoy reading books. And writing pointless entries.

I can bring joy and happiness to loved ones around me, by being a thoughtful daughter, a loving girlfriend, and a supportive friend.

I may even be able to connect to a dear reader like you, and make you feel better in some way today.

That's the kind of things that are important in life.

Glad that I don't sound too emo at the end of so much deep thoughts. I'm honestly a very positive person!

Of course, I still have to battle my inner demons. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, not funny enough a blogger, not skinny beautiful nor young like all the other bloggers and blogshop owners are.

But I count my lucky stars for all that I have and all that I am now.

“俗语说, 比上不足比下有余.”